I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
