I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
