Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
