holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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