If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
