My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
