Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
