1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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