i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
