I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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