FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
