left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
