"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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