somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
the liver wants what the liver wants
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
