It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
