I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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