Who did Billy Mays play for?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
