Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
