my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
