Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Im part way to drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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