highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
