A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
