I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
