I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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