I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize