i barfeds in our rink
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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