Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We had sex on a dog bed..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
