the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
