I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
