I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
