it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
