he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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