Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
