She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
