went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
