Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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