Barsexuality is the new black.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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