ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
