I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize