6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
