she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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