I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
