I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
