there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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