a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize