I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
