i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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