A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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