Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
