I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
