3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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