So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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