We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
