I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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