gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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