all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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