saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
is it fun? or sober?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize