Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
